college dropout

Seriously, being a college dropout wasn't easy. Especially for me. I wasn't blame anyone except my self for that. Its my own fault and I know that. I really know.

I don't really have this 'kenangan manis' with my ex-classmate. There's only one memory that I remember. When we went to this one garden which is I forgot the name of it. We were taking picture for our class project. I admit, I'm not the type of girl that easy to mix with. I prefer alone. Like seriously. Only that. I'm not kidding. It just all the picture that I took over there is missing since my laptop and kamera is lost at wawa's house. That, I will update on other entry.

I wasn't a girl that my parents like. For them, me as a college dropout is a loser. Everytime they bring the topic up into discussion, I'll cry or just keep silent. For me, a past is past. No one can change that. For them, that's a lesson and if I didn't listen to them, that's a point to bring me down. If you know what I mean.

" Mama tatau la nanyi kau nk skola balik macammane. Asyik tido je. Agaknya sebab tu la kau kena buang kan ?"

" Kau mesti selalu ponteng kelas sebab asyik lepak kat toilet kan ? Orang lain pg kelas study, kau pegi toilet tak balik-balik. Agaknya sebab tu kau kena buang kan ?"

That's enough. Can you see the game ? All I know is, every day I have to listen to those words. Except I didn't do what they said. And they never listen to me. I wasn't expect they will say like this ;

" Takpe tiera, mama faham. Lepasni belajar lagi. Mama takkan ungkit lagi pasal ni."

Or this.

" Takpe tiera. Abah faham. Dulu abah pon tak habis study jugak."

They will never said that. If the did, I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

Now you can see how stress I am being a college dropout ? It wasn't easy. I swear. No one want to be a college dropout. To be honest, who want to be a college dropout ?

After I knew that I was going to be a college dropout, I perform a solat istikharah. And that night, in my dream, I'm taking care of my brother at home. I was cooking, help him with the homework and other stuff. The exact word is, I'm going to stay at the house instead at the college. When I told mama bout the dream, what she did is laughing. I'm not lying.

"Baguslah. Boleh jaga adik2 kat rumah. Mama lagi suka"

Can you feel my feeling when she said that ? My heart broken into pieces. What I remember, the next day, I knew that I'm a college dropout.

You know, if I can change back time, I will study and study only. Until I past the exam. But everyone know, there's no such thing as a time machine. If there's any, let me know. I want to tell my old self to study and study. And to sosialise with the classmate. But, past is past. I don't want my past haunted me. What's important is my future. My future in study. My future in love is not in my mind right now. Let the time tell me when to be in love, again. Or whatever they call love.

The result for the new intake is on 15th July. Which is, 15 days later. I wasn't nervous. I is scared. What I apply is hospitality, culinari, and event management. That's the course I was once said, is the course I'll never apply. Silly me, now I'm really hoping to get the offer. Even I didn't get the offer at UiTM, maybe UUM will accept me. I apply for 2 University only. UiTM and UUM. I'm fingercrossing when I hit the 'send' button. I wasn't thinking other course other than this 3. Hospitality, culinary and event management. The course that I said I will never take. Well, karma did a really good job over there. I was working at this field for almost 5 months. So, I know the difficulty level. Maybe I was born to work at this field. Because I was once, want to take this field of study. Well. Karma right ?

I was just hoping that all my dreams come true. Eventhough once, I was ready to let go my life. I heard this one voice said ;

" You're nothing. You've failed. You're nothing. Its better if people like you didn't exist at all"

I was this close to eat the whole 3 packet of panadol and drink the coke because people said it can kill ourself. But I remember all the insult words by everyone. They said I'll never be a 'person' when I grow up. They said I'm a loser. Then, I realise that I have to make they shut their mouth and watch me did it. I want to make them pull back everything they said. Everything.

Now, can you see how I'm struggling as a college dropout. If you're not a college dropout like me, you didn't have the right to said anything. Only people like me, like us, the clollege dropout know the feeling. You didn't know. Don't pretend that you know.

Once a college dropout, it doesn't means, I'm forever a college dropout.