college dropout

Seriously, being a college dropout wasn't easy. Especially for me. I wasn't blame anyone except my self for that. Its my own fault and I know that. I really know.

I don't really have this 'kenangan manis' with my ex-classmate. There's only one memory that I remember. When we went to this one garden which is I forgot the name of it. We were taking picture for our class project. I admit, I'm not the type of girl that easy to mix with. I prefer alone. Like seriously. Only that. I'm not kidding. It just all the picture that I took over there is missing since my laptop and kamera is lost at wawa's house. That, I will update on other entry.

I wasn't a girl that my parents like. For them, me as a college dropout is a loser. Everytime they bring the topic up into discussion, I'll cry or just keep silent. For me, a past is past. No one can change that. For them, that's a lesson and if I didn't listen to them, that's a point to bring me down. If you know what I mean.

" Mama tatau la nanyi kau nk skola balik macammane. Asyik tido je. Agaknya sebab tu la kau kena buang kan ?"

" Kau mesti selalu ponteng kelas sebab asyik lepak kat toilet kan ? Orang lain pg kelas study, kau pegi toilet tak balik-balik. Agaknya sebab tu kau kena buang kan ?"

That's enough. Can you see the game ? All I know is, every day I have to listen to those words. Except I didn't do what they said. And they never listen to me. I wasn't expect they will say like this ;

" Takpe tiera, mama faham. Lepasni belajar lagi. Mama takkan ungkit lagi pasal ni."

Or this.

" Takpe tiera. Abah faham. Dulu abah pon tak habis study jugak."

They will never said that. If the did, I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

Now you can see how stress I am being a college dropout ? It wasn't easy. I swear. No one want to be a college dropout. To be honest, who want to be a college dropout ?

After I knew that I was going to be a college dropout, I perform a solat istikharah. And that night, in my dream, I'm taking care of my brother at home. I was cooking, help him with the homework and other stuff. The exact word is, I'm going to stay at the house instead at the college. When I told mama bout the dream, what she did is laughing. I'm not lying.

"Baguslah. Boleh jaga adik2 kat rumah. Mama lagi suka"

Can you feel my feeling when she said that ? My heart broken into pieces. What I remember, the next day, I knew that I'm a college dropout.

You know, if I can change back time, I will study and study only. Until I past the exam. But everyone know, there's no such thing as a time machine. If there's any, let me know. I want to tell my old self to study and study. And to sosialise with the classmate. But, past is past. I don't want my past haunted me. What's important is my future. My future in study. My future in love is not in my mind right now. Let the time tell me when to be in love, again. Or whatever they call love.

The result for the new intake is on 15th July. Which is, 15 days later. I wasn't nervous. I is scared. What I apply is hospitality, culinari, and event management. That's the course I was once said, is the course I'll never apply. Silly me, now I'm really hoping to get the offer. Even I didn't get the offer at UiTM, maybe UUM will accept me. I apply for 2 University only. UiTM and UUM. I'm fingercrossing when I hit the 'send' button. I wasn't thinking other course other than this 3. Hospitality, culinary and event management. The course that I said I will never take. Well, karma did a really good job over there. I was working at this field for almost 5 months. So, I know the difficulty level. Maybe I was born to work at this field. Because I was once, want to take this field of study. Well. Karma right ?

I was just hoping that all my dreams come true. Eventhough once, I was ready to let go my life. I heard this one voice said ;

" You're nothing. You've failed. You're nothing. Its better if people like you didn't exist at all"

I was this close to eat the whole 3 packet of panadol and drink the coke because people said it can kill ourself. But I remember all the insult words by everyone. They said I'll never be a 'person' when I grow up. They said I'm a loser. Then, I realise that I have to make they shut their mouth and watch me did it. I want to make them pull back everything they said. Everything.

Now, can you see how I'm struggling as a college dropout. If you're not a college dropout like me, you didn't have the right to said anything. Only people like me, like us, the clollege dropout know the feeling. You didn't know. Don't pretend that you know.

Once a college dropout, it doesn't means, I'm forever a college dropout.

I'm done.

You know what ? I'm done. I'm done of everything. I'm done of hoping, I'm done be hurt,I'm done of falling in love, I'm done loving someone. I'm done to be a frind with benefits only. I'm done of everything.

But, to be exact word, I'm tired. I'm serious.

storyteller

Baiklah. Oleh kerana twitter berperangai anjing malam ni, aku bercadang nk udate blog. Hihi.

There's one story I used to read.

In a kingdom far far away live a couple of wife and husband. They have a daughter called tiara. Their king, raja idris have a son name mahathir.

One day, raja idris make a contest to find his son's wife. He doesn't believe at 'darjat'. He want his son marry one of the village girl. So, the contest contain, 1. Cooking. 2. Sewing. Because his son, mahathir love to eat. Then he called every girl in the country to join this contest. The prize is, 1. Marry his son. 2. 500 thousand cash.

Tiara is one of the girl that want to join the contest. She didn't have a beatiful face like her other friends. Instead of that, she still want to join the contest. Her cooking is superb. No one can beat her on cooking.

The day come. The palace is start yo full with girl who want to join the contest. The condition is, they must cook at the place. No home made food allowed. So, there's a lot of girl who draw from the contest. Tiara is pretty confident when she look around and found only a few left. She don't want to marry Mahathir because she know that this Mahathir is so charming, handsome and everything that can related to perfect. She, hell no. Far away from perfect. She just want the cash prize. Using the money, she can renovate her house.

The contest start. Tiara start to cook his trademark dish. Chicken in soy sauce. Always. She know what she do. That's everyone in her village favourite. Othe girl she see, is cooking pasta, chicken chop and other western menu. She is too poor that she never eat that kind of food. But she didn't care. She eat what she can afford.

After 2 hours of cooking, the test is over. Now sewing skills is on the table. The girls need to sew a few of sewing technique. Jahit sembat, jahit silang, leher karipap and others. Tiara, she's not really good in sewing. She only know few of the technique.

"Whatever happen, I need to try." She said.

After also 2 hours of the sewing test, the works need to be judge by the royal taylor.everyone passed their works infront.

"Thank God its over."

Tiara join her family members to wait for the ending ceremony.

"How was it ?" Her mother asked.
"Okay I guess. I cooked our favourite dish. I hope it turns out to be what I want" she hope.

The bell is ringing. Every girl who joined the contest need to be infront of the king. The king want to say something.

"Hye everyone. So, you know why all of you here right ? Now, without any furthe due, I called my son, Mahathir to announce the winner, as long as her future wife." He smile.

"Hye girls. I've taste everyone's dish and lokk at your sewing works. Some were good, some were upseting me. Now for the winner."

The sound of the drums is around. Tiara who didn't expect her name will be pronounce as a winner just sit close to the exit. She want to be the first to back home. She's ready to walk towards the exist when she heard something familiar.

"Ahh, it must just my ear." She thought.

"Tiara ! Tiara is the winner ! Where's my Tiara ?" Mahathir said.

Slowly she turns and raise her hand up in the air. In her face, she was so suprised untill not even a word spill out from her mouth.

"Come here. Come here my dear future wife." Mahathir smile. What he see is a girl with nice scarf, plain face and afraid.

She was so shocked ! She really don't expect that she won the contest.

"She's ugly ! She's not fit with you!" Someone scream.

"Shut up ! What I see is a strong girl and know how too cook my favourote dish." Mahathir said.

"Thank you my highness." She said in tears.

-the end-

Ending ?

As usual, typical story, Mahathir and Tiara live happily ever after. Tiara managed to persuade her parents to live at the palace. :)

Okey, aku tatau apa angin aku tulis ni. Btw, thanks for reading ! 'If there's any.' Hihi.

ingat

Aku masih ingat masa aku kecik. Semua orang manjakan aku. Semua orang sayang aku. Cuma aku kena kongsi semua tu dengan kembar aku which I don't mind at all. Arwah atuk aku, atuk Mansor, sangat-sangat manjakan aku. Ye. Sangat-sangat. Semua benda yang aku nak, mesti aku dapat. Nak makan, atuk belikan. Nk minum, atuk belikan. Sebab apa atuk aku manjakan kitorang sangat ? Satu, sebab kitorang ni kembar which is sgt rare masa tu. Sape ade kembar memang hebat la masa tu. Dua, sebab kitorang ni comel sangat. Which is budak-budak baya kitorang pon tak secomel kitorang. I'm serious. Hehe. Atas sebab-sebab tu la kiotrang ni sentiasa menjadi tumpuan serta kesayangan orang. Betul. Tapi lepastu, aku membesar jadi seorang kanak-kanak yang gemuk. Or that time orang tak panggil gemuk. Diorang still panggil aku comel or montel. Yes, that's the word. MONTEL. Sapa2 yg montel time tu, memang semua orang sayang la. Sampai masa aku umur 5 or 6 tahun, kitorang kene interview dengan paper kot. Gila tak gila la. Disebabkan kecomelan kitorang ni, yg time tu sangatla comel, kitorang famous sekejap.betul la. Aku tak tipu. Masa tu kitorang memang comel.

*okey, bape kali aku sebut comel tadi ?*

Masok tadika, kitorang jadi the cleverest kid in class. No one else can beat us. Tak tipu punya. Semua ujian kitorang sapu. Wawa no 1, aku no 2. Aku no 1, wawa no 2. Masok sekolah rendah, pon camtu gak. Benda ni keep going sampai darjah 4. Start darjah 4, dah masok zaman kejatuhan kitorang. Selalu tido dlm kelas. Kerja tak hantar. And banyak lagi. So, upsr aku lingkip skit. 3a 1b 1c . Terok gak la. Masok sekolah menengah. Dah start dah menunjukkan kebodohan yang tidak terhingga. Masok skola berasrama penuh plak. Semua budak-budak pandai kan ? Aku dgn kakak aku jela yg bodoh kat sana. Kitorang masok pon sebab waklim yg suruh. So, masok jela. Masa form3, ade kes yg melibatkan kitorang. Kitorang ni boleh kira budak jahat gak la. So, wawa kena pindah mase form4 sebab dalam kes tu, wawa punye kesalahan lagi besar. I managed to got 5As masa PMR. Which is satu kebanggan yg tak terhingga masa tu. Well, bagi aku la. But wawa cume 2A. So, tu menambahkan lagi sebab supaya die keluar sekolah. Jadi, aku meneruskan la belajar kat situ selama lagi 2 tahun. Susah woo nak sesuaikan diri takde wawa masa tu. Bayangkan la. Kitorang dh terbiasa 3 tahun sama2 kat skola tu. Tibe2 wawa takde. Petang yg pertama tu, aku boleh jerit dari dorm aku, yg depan dorm die. Aku jerit nama die. "Wawa ! Nak makan tak ?" Masa tu aku lupa yg die dh tak skola kat situ. Lawak ade, sedih pon ade. Haha. Mase form 4, masok aliran sain tulen. Sebab tu je yg aku mampu. Nk masok kelas arab, aku bodoh dalam arab. Nak masok kelas kejuruteraan, aku tk pandai melukis. So, itu jela yg mampu. Tu pon, masa spm, dpt 1 a je. Takpela. Hihi.

Lepastu, masok form6. The best time I ever had. Good friend. Good teachers. I'm not saying my teachers at sbpisb is not good or whatnot, it just, time form6 memang best. Stpm plak dapat 2p. Cukup-cukup makan. Alhamdulillah.

Pastu kebodohan aku diteruskan dengan bila aku masok uitm shah alam. Dengan ponteng kelas, tak hantar assignment, tido dlm kelas lagi. And byk lagi. Pergh. Ape org kate, culture shock gitu. Pastu exam fail. Kena buang. Fine. Ini takdir aku.

Lepasni, aku cuma berharap yg aku akan dapat balik masok uitm tu. Kalau aku dapat time ni, memang aku takkan main-main lagi. Study je. Itu janji aku.

Dan aku ingat.

gambar

Aku selalu tengok gambar kau. Kau sorang, atau pun bersama orang lain. Tapi aku lebih suke tengok kau seorang.

(Okey, jangan cakap aku ni attention seeker plak)

Sebenarnya, kau takla kacak mana. Cuma ade satu benda yang buat aku tertarik dengan kau. Tahi lalat di muka kau tu. Iye. Tahi lalat. Entah kenapa, aku sering jatuh hati dengan lelaki yang bertahi lalat di muka. Hehe. Tapi bagi aku, kau sudah cukup sempurna. Segala-galanya.

(Ah, jauh tersasar pulak dari tajuk)

Ouh. Gambar. Yela. Aku memang suke tengok gambar kau. Gambar kau seorang, dengan kawan-kawan kau. Dan dengan dia. Kalau boleh aku katakan, aku menangis bila melihat kau dan dia, dalam satu gambar. Hati aku tak kuat. Aku tahu, aku dah janji, tapi, hati aku degil. Masih mahu lihat wajah kau. Hari-hari. Kadang-kadang tu, aku letak gambar kau sebagai wallpaper blackberry aku. Biar bila aku tidur, wajah kamu disisi. Cukuplah wajah kamu saja. Sebab aku tahu, mungkin kamu tidak akan berada di sebelah aku.

Nak je aku buang gambar kau bersama dia yang aku ada ni, tapi aku tak mampu. Aku masih ingin tatap gambar itu bagi menghilangkan perasaan dalam hati aku ni yang masih suka pada kau. Aku nak tunjuk kat hati aku yang kau ni dah berpunya. Yang aku takkan mungkin jadi milik kau. Sebab tu aku tak mampu nak buang.

Biarlah aku simpan gambar-gambar kau ni. Ya ? Sekurang-kurangnya gambar tidak akan hilang. Kalau kau, tiba-tiba boleh hilang.

Boleh ya aku simpan ? :)

impian, masa hadapan.

Aku sering berimpian membina istana kaca suatu hari nanti. Tinggal di dalamnya dengan jejaka pilihan hati. Kemudian berkembang dengan anak-anak yang comel. Melengkapkan hidup aku. Semuanya sempurna.
Tapi aku lupa. Tiada yang sempurna dalam hidup ni. Lagi-lagi untuk aku. Aku ni, jauh dari layak untuk mengecapi hidup sempurna. Terlampau jauh. Malah tak layak langsung. Tiada peluang untuk aku hidup sempurna sekarang. Sempurna bagi aku tiada langsung dalam kamus hidup aku. Aku terpaksa lakukan itu.
Bila semua orang berkata-kata tentang rupa paras, aku diam. Aku tidak secantik mereka. Jauh bezanya. Bila mereka berkata tentang tubuh badan, aku diam lagi. Tubuh badan aku jauh lebih besar dari mereka. Mereka pandang rendah pada aku. Aku buruk. Aku hodoh. Aku semua yang buruk.
Aku sering mendengar mereka berbicara mengenai masa hadapan. Aku tidak ambil kisah. Yang aku pentingkan adalah masa sekarang. Masa hadapan bagi aku terlalu jauh lagi. Terlampau jauh. Bukan aku tidak memikirkan masa hadapan, cuma aku fikir yang aku perlu memikirkan masa sekarang lebih dari masa hadapan. Aku bukan seperti mereka yang masa sekarang sudah terlampau sempurna. Dan mereka tidak perlu susah hati tentang masa hadapan. Aku lain. Kalau pun aku mahu fikirkan masa hadapan, mungkin bukan masa ini. Masa hadapan aku terlampau jauh bagi aku. Nanti saja.

Nanti ya ? :)

I miss you.

Watching you with her, it really make my heart sick. It not that I hate it, but I just, you know, ahh, nothing.

Look. I've promised but turns out I can't fulfil it myself. I miss you MR. ME . With all my heart. Please be nice out there. You've been busy lately. Please, take care of your own health.
:*

mimpi

Aku sering mimpi yang sama. Aku, kau berpimpinan tangan di taman. Kita berpiknik. Berdua saja. Gembira. Gelak. Senyum. Usik mengusik. Hanya dalam dunia kita sendiri. Aku senang, kau senang.

Aku senang dengan mimpi sebegini. Benar-benar senang. Bisa bikin aku senyum waktu aku tidur.

Tapi. Tak semua mimpi itu senang selalu kan ? Aku benci permpuan itu. Ye. Perempuan itu. Dia sering datang dalam mimpi aku. Kau tak nampak. Hanya aku. Dia sering melihat kita dari celahan pokok. Aku gamit dia, dia hilang. Aku biar. Tiba-tiba dia makin dekat. Dia dekat sama kau. Dia tarik kau. Aku jadi aneh.

"Eh, kenapa ni ? Di milik saya, lepaskan !"
"Bukan. Dia milik aku. Sudah lama milik aku" permpuan itu kata.

Kau diam je. Aku pelik. Aku cakap,

"Hey, cakap sesuatu ! Kau milik aku bukan ?"

Kau terus menerus diam. Aku jadi lebih pelik. Kemudian dia tarik kau. Dia bawak kau pergi. Kau pun hanya ikut. Aku nangis. Ya, aku nangis. Sebab ade perempuan lain bawak kau pergi. Jauh dari aku.

Aku bangun esok paginya dengan air mata mengering di pipi.

Aku benci mimpi itu. Sungguh. Mimpi itu aku sayang, tapi perempuan itu yang aku benci. Perlu ke dia buat begitu pada aku. Mungkin betul kau milik dia. Aku tahu. Cuma aku buat-buat tak tahu. Sebab aku sayang kau. Sekurang-kurangnya, benarkan aku berada di dalam mimpi bersama kau. Dan kita gembira. Dan kau tidak ditarik oleh dia. Oleh perempuan itu. Aku benci dia. Sebab dia berjaya jadikan kau milik dia.

Untuk perempuan itu. Di alam realiti, memang dia milik kau. Tapi, biarlah di alam mimpi, dia milik aku. Tolonglah. Jangan hadir lagi dalam mimpi aku bersama dia. Aku mohon. Sebab di alam realiti, aku mungkin tidak dapat bersama dia.

Aku mahu bila nanti aku bangun, aku tersenyum. Senyum sebab kau. Kau yang sentiasa buat aku tersenyum dan ketawa. Terima kasih. :)

P/s; malam ini aku mahu mimpi kau. Datang ya ? :)

cinta pertama. (entri balasan dari blog kak zara)

Dia yang mula-mula mesej saya. Bila saya tanya mane dia dpat no fon saya, die kate kawan beri. Saya byk crush. Dari zaman sekolah. Tapi, dia lelaki pertama yg betul2 mintak couple dgn saya. Dan bila saya putus dgn saya, saya menangis teruk. Tak lama pon couple. 6 bulan saja. Tapi, saya akui, cinta pertama sukar di lupa. Dia selalu buat saya gelak. Lama2, cinta tu makin hilang. Bila die dapat kerja baru, die makin sibuk dan bunga2 cinta makin hilang. Mula2, dia yg byk kejar saya sehingga saya setuju couple dgn dia. Bila status itu sah, dia buat tak kisah. Macam saya yg terkejar-kejar dia pulak. Masok bulan ke-5, saya busy study sambil kerja sambilan. Dia marah. Kami selalu gaduh. Sampai satu masa, saya betul2 sakit hati dgn dia dan mula cakap 'kau-aku' dgn dia. Kami putus atas sebab itu la. Dia kata saya kurang ajar. Kini saya bebas. Dan lebih bahagia. :)

P/s : maaf. Terlebih 100 perkataan pula. Tatau mana nak potong lg. Hihi. :)

hilang

Aku hilang lagi. Kali ni lebih teruk. Aku dibawa ke satu alam yang aku sendiri tak tahu. Aku tak tahu aku dimana. Langsung. Aku bingung. Apa aku sudah gila ?

Aku hilang lagi. Kali ini, aku dalam sebuah hutan yang sangat tebal. Aku menjerit minta pertolongan. Tiba-tiba ada sepasang tangan yang dihulurkan padaku seperti ingin menarik aku berlari bersama dia. Aku capai, tangan itu hilang.

Kali ketiga, aku hilang lagi. Kali ini, aku dalam sebuah rumah batu yang aku tak ingat bagaimana aku boleh berada di dalamnya. Muncul 2 3 wanita yang lebih berumur dari aku, (baca:taraf makcik2) didepan aku. Aneh. Aku kenal perempuan itu. Nak aku. Dan makcik aku. Wanita yang satu lagi, aku tak kenal. Siapa dia ?

Kali seterusnya, aku dibawa ke satu tmpat yang cukup indah. Aku khayal bila berada didalamnya. Seperti syurga lagaknya. Apa ini ? Aku terfikir bagaimana aku boleh sampai ke tempat2 yang begini ? Aku bukanlah baik untuk ke tempat yang indah ini.

Tiba-tiba, aku seperti ditarik-tarik oleh sepasang tangan yang kasar. Aku ditarik dengan sangat kuat. Akhirnya, aku tersentak, lalu terjaga.

sunday.

I hate sunday.

gift

Everyone have their own gift. For me, my gift is my writing. I can write poems almost about everything. And usually, I will write about my feelings, and my love.

Tapi, since abah dah jumpe buku merah aku which is buku tempat aku tulis semua idea-idea aku, aku dah takde kebebasan nak menulis. Dan aku rasa kebolehab aku untuk menulis pun seperti ditarik sedikit demi sedikit. Jika dulu, aku boleh tulis puisi sebanyak 10 helai muka surat dalam buku merah aku dalam sehari, sekarang tak. Satu sehari pon susah. Aku dah takde nafsu nak menulis. Niat dah ada, keadaan kadang-kadang tak membenarkan. Contoh, aku takot kantoi dengan abah.

Sebenarnye, aku bukan takot kantoi sebab ape, sebab aku tanak segala puisi-puisi aku hilang camtu je. Haritu abah dah buang muka surat first dalam buku merah tu. And aku tak jumpe sampai skang. Nak nanges. Muka surat first, tu lah puisi paling bermakna bagi aku. Die boleh koyakkan camtu je ? :'(

Skang ni, aku dah simpan buku merah aku kat satu tempat yang aku rasa die tak expect kot. Mih mih mih . Aku harapla. Kalau dia jumpa lagi dan nak buang lagi sekali, memang aku rase lepastu aku tak boleh nak tulis ape2 la. Rasa tawar hati tahu tak ? Feeling die lain tau macam mase memula kau obsessed nak menulis tu. Camtula.

Skang ni, aku nak menulis pon kadang2 je. Satu, takde masa. Dua, takde idea. Dan sewaktu dengannye. So, kat blog ni jela aku boleh mengomel. :)