Tuesday, May 1, 2012

pain in my heart

Everything have been revealed. Abah has found my red book. My poet book. And he don't understand my writing. He doesnt even know how to read it.

So, he beat me. He beat me hard. When I say hard, I really mean it. He slapped me. He kick me. He even slammed my head to the wall. He insulted me. He said I'm stupid. He said I'm ungrateful daughter. He said I don't know how to thank him for what he've done. He said everything. Bad thing obviously. I'm not crying when he beat me. I repeated, WHEN HE BEAT ME . I'm thinking how stupid he is. I'm not wrote those poet today or yesterday. The poet that he've been reading, on the first paper, I wrote it like 2 years ago ? The one about my parents. Yes, I admit, I do wrote about them. Its better than I speak it up to them right ? Right ? I'm not use to speak infront of my parents. Asking wether I'm okey or they okey. I'm kind type of girl that love to be alone. I'm serious. Sme people said the more the merrier. Sometime, I do want that 'huha huha' thing. Just, not everyday. Back to the point, when he beat me, my mind is keep thinking, is he so stupid that he can't read the date one the paper ? He think I wrote the poet yesterday. Are you crazy ? You dindt see like the book is almost full of my writing ? In that book, almost everything is mine. Some of them is kak fynn's. So, you should read it before you hit me. Before you said bad things to me. I don't know, but my mind keep telling me, how stupid him is.

I'm not crying at all ? That's lying. I'm crying after he beat me. Because I can't think how stupid he is, accusing me with a stupid reason. I'm not feeling hurt after all. I mean, when he beat me, I'm not feeling the pain. The pain somehow is in me. I can't feel it phsicaly. I don't know why. But, he beat me hard. More than aother time of beating. I can't feel the pain. I don't feel the pain. With the way he beat me, I supposed to be lying inconcious. Supposed to be. But I'm not. Maybe for other person, they will. For me, I'm not. I don't know. Maybe the pain is already in me. The pain somehow transferred to my heart. Which is, my heart is hurt, not my body.

Am I strange ? I don't know. Somehow, I feel like I'm not part of the family. Everything I do, it must been seen as wrong. Abah claim this house as his house, but when it come to settle things up, or cleaning the house, incidently, the house is mine. Wadefak ? And I'm thinking like, okey, I can do this.

After all. I'm prefer to wrote my anger. Not let it out infront of my parents. I hate story telling with them. Now, abah is keep 'perli' me infrint of my siblings. For what? To humiliate me. Yes. I don't care. I found my way of life. I know how to avoid you.

I hope my application to uitm went well. I want to geat out from this house, as soon as possible, and maybe after I get the offer, I will rarely back home.

1 comment:

Athirah | Coral Tulip said...

helloooo tira. :) keep your days occupied! just do all the chores, yes, they still might have something to say about you, at least you dont stop trying okay. Allah sees the hard-work we do, not the result. Allah doesnt compare, Allah never sets "this is how high you have to achieve", etc. We never told something like, "do 20 sunnah prayers and you will go to heaven,". No, right? He sees how, and why we did something. It's in our heart. Remember that. No matter how hard you're going through, always remember. It's not a waste. Those things don't end up just like that. Everytime you had patience with your parents, the malaikat beside you will write down what you have done. Have patience always. Always. It's normal in a family, they expect more towards the middle child. Happens everywhere, anywhere. And apparently, most successful people are the middle child. Heeeee (yela tuuuu :P)

Whats more im the only daughter, i must know how to cook every traditional dishes, i must be perfect. i clean up the house, do the laundry, water the plants and all too! :D and i make myself enjoy those things. I cannot raise my voice (i never did that for the rest of my life), what's more using a phone in front of my family. But im okay. Not always okay, too. Bila kena habis2an tengking2 apa semua tu, ill talk to a really good friend of mine, lepas tu habis la.. Cukup di situ. Lupakan. a good friend will never talk bad about our family, you know. no matter how much bad things we told them about our family. make sure its someone you trust, someone who will never tell others. its not that i dont want you to write on blog, its okay.. i truly understand how relieved it is to be able to write what we feel, i know. ;) Tapi kat blog macam ni maybe akan memburukkan famly tira.. Sorry eh.. Tulis kat buku pun dah marah, macam mana kalau tau kat blog nanti.. Sorry tira.. I just dont want you to get into any trouble. I dont mind if you want to talk to me or what.. :)

Positifkan diri, insya Allah semua ni mendisiplinkan diri kita & menjadikan kita orang yang lebih baik kan. Semua ni Allah yang buat. Allah dah set, bukan salah siapa2. Bukan salah abang yang marah2, bukan salah ayah. Kalau ditakdirkan lahir kat family lain pun, akan jadi benda sama juga sebab Allah dah tetapkan. Jangan dendam2 okay tira. Ingat family selalu.. Takmo la sampai selalu tak balik nanti.. :)

Semoga dapat application kat uitm tu.. Belajar rajin2, buktikan tira boleh berjaya sendiri. Tak payah guna duit parents banyak2 pun boleh. Dapat certificate, kerja bersungguh2, bagi duit kat parents, done.. Insya Allah. :)